Love, Resilience, and Community: Three Secret Ingredients from Mom

Growing up, it seemed Mom was always feeding people.

Whether it be Dad, my brothers, me, uncles, aunts, cousins, or anyone smart enough to drop by at lunchtime, Kathy Neisen showed her love for people directly through the food she created for them. Celebrating her 75th birthday this month, it’s been fun reflecting on all the cool ways she’s been able to show people what they mean to her through food.

She has built a life and a business around the philosophy: there’s always a seat at the table for you. From Kathy’s kitchen table to Boki’s Kitchen, we’re still carrying the torch of community.

This lesson became more important to me as I grew older and eventually partnered with her in the catering business she started when I was a baby. Trying to fit into places where there wasn’t a seat at the table for me helped me understand more about why this work Mom was always doing was (and is) so important. This became the philosophy of everything I do. The feelings mom created around a dinner table included safety, belonging, and warmth. I knew I needed to be able to know how to replicate this skill, and I feel fortunate that it came very naturally. I’ve been cultivating these feelings for years now.

To this day, it is hard for me to cook for a few people rather than a room full (or more).

I think this was also hard for Mom because there’s never been a shortage of food. Around 2009, milk prices hit an all time low (remember the main source of income was the dairy farm), and the food was always hot, fresh, and plentiful. How did she do it? I learned quickly—stretch meals. Whether it was beef stew, vegetable soup, or a hot lasagna, I knew when she melded ingredients, the result would taste wonderful. Mom is one of the most resourceful people I know, and luckily that’s a skill I carry with me today. Hard times are proof that abundance can rear its head in times of scarcity, and that love around a table has nothing to do with money and everything to do with actions.

As a young child, I was taught to be observant of others, and to pay attention to others’ stories. Mom would be chatting with a friend in the grocery store, and she’d turn to me and say, “Niki, guess what? Jan is pregnant! What do we tell her?”

Without hesitation, the word “Congratulations!” exited my 3 year old mouth clearly and with love. When Jan had her baby, Mom and I showed up. We brought a couple casseroles, desserts, and tea. We’d shower the new mother and her baby with love. I didn’t know this then, but I was being taught about the importance of community as a small girl through action.

Being able to give without expecting anything in return is a large part of how community works.

Without true generosity, communities fail. Seeing these lessons firsthand taught me how to show up even when I was carrying a heavy load. I understand the importance of action and showing up for others. For this very reason, community is one of Boki’s Kitchen’s core values. The table is a great place to foster everything a solid community is built upon.

Some of the best meals at home were often the most simple. Whether it be fried chicken, barbecue ribs, or a chef salad, I learned quickly that the food was always good because the people around the table were always good. Next to each of these good people was a glass of sweet tea. At Kathy’s kitchen table, a fancy dinner wasn’t necessary to feed your soul with good conversation. Being around people who truly care is a hallmark of simplicity. Simplicity allows us to focus on the people who are at our table. Simple ingredients have built Boki’s Kitchen, and I have Mom to thank for that.

It’s hard to say how many lives Kathy has impacted over her years of cooking and loving people.

The recipes at Boki’s Kitchen may be a little different, but our secret, core ingredients have remained the same: Love, Resilience, and Community.

To my favorite Gemini, Happy Birthday! If you have a matriarch who has shaped the way you show up for people, please share their name and a memory of how they taught you that nourishment went far beyond our bodies. Whether it’s making an extra batch of Chili soup or showing up for friends who are suffering a loss, I am committed to carrying this torch just as Kathy has demonstrated—with love and generosity for our community.